Dj Masomere, speed thrills but kills

Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you are drinking your water and minding your business, because in this heat, plus being in Zimbabwe, that is the only thing you have control over. It’s still very ambitious though to even try to mind your business in this country because Zanu government will still be everywhere around your business whether you like it or not. If you don’t want them in your business, they will just switch off magetsi avo, and you will all be in the dark, kkkk. The other day Tendai Jari wekuStudio 263 woke up and tried to get into your WhatsApp groups wani mukarara neboots. These people really try, and they know what they are doing when they say those ridiculous things publicly; they will be testing the waters to see how much madness they can get away with. It doesn’t help that the girl is like a headless chicken in that ministry, literally a bull in a China shop because she has no business whatsoever being anywhere near anything ICT. Have you guys seen her Tiktoks? You will see that I just don’t dislike her, vachitwerker zvavo Minister to the whole world. Then you go to Botswana, Rwanda or Namibia ICT ministers’ TikTok accounts, and you realize that we deserve to be laughed at, we give the xenophobes down south the fodder, we expose ourselves as a country to being made fun of, because chii chakadaro ichocho? The Namibian one is even very young, very demure and very professional. The way she carries herself around, even her makeup chaiyo you see she actually has substance. Even if she doesn’t, we would never tell because she looks the part, with the decorum.
Mavetera is a great example of how Zanu rewards tomfoolery—if you think I am being hateful, look at how Masomere got so much influence nekungwarangwanduka chaiko. I was wondering the other day how that man behaves in front of his inlaws because mmm, the way he behaves like a circus monkey ka, he is that type that needs a leash of some sort inocontrollewa namadam when he visits vakarabwa. He does not know his boundaries, all he is specialized in is speed kilometre per distance, kkkkk. I am told he was once in Zanu bad books before he rose to his seemingly shortlived fame achikwangwaya nehuteacher, vaisada kana kumuona no matter how hard he tried kupfichuka pfichuka until vakuru veprovince vouched for him. He had apparently been associated with the opposition earlier, which later could not be substantiated, hatichazivi. Little did they know that the very same speed that they elevated him for was going to be his downfall. Whatever they say about shiri ine muririro wayo. I don’t know what it is with David Janhi, that gives him manyawi akadaro asina kumusha, becoming a court jester of note. It is very clear that the self-proclaimed DJ, which stands for David Janhi, akangohakira zvake the 2030 mantra which the likes of Mavhenyengwa started without a good understanding of it. He was given a microphone at a rally to cheer on vanaMai Welly nanaMudhara Nyengu to dance for Baba Two and he thought he was in the politburo, even inventing slogans of his own, adding five more years to 2030 kuMidlands uko. I bet he still thinks those gatherings are like kumasports ekuchikoro where teachers and pupils alike vanorimbinyuka without caution or consequence. Munokuvara Shumba. Speed thrills but it kills. It’s dog eat dog in this thing called politics, worse still kuZanu, because we know that when the hyena wants to devour its offspring, it will accuse it of smelling like a goat. Hapamihwe mihwe, panochohwa chohwa munhu. I listened zvangu that time he went viral telling madzimai mapostori that Baba Two was to become SADC chair, ndikati muswe wababa ava uchagurwa zvawo one day because even when we were growing up, we knew that waiti ukafarisa, chinenge chasara kuchema because in the process of kufarisa toes were obviously going to be stepped on. Wairara watonhorerwa chete, because African parents vaisatambira zvichemo those days. One mistake that anyone would make is to underestimate the military, whether ex or current, or whatever. Yes, we all see how they have been falling like flies sprayed with insecticide in recent years but it will be in the least, stupid to think that they no longer wield any power. Mawar vet iwo aya, they are not done for yet, mark my words. Mugabe made the same mistake zvikazodii? Ask Kudzi Chipanga who those people are, he will tell you, that is if he has regained his hearing because nzeve dzakadzivira nemambama, kkkk. Jonono has since been singing the Zanu tune for months now, going into years but the PTSD of what happened to him that fateful November night in 2017 still haunts him. He will go to the grave with that fear I tell you. I guess anoti akangozvifunga he chooses to rather keep eating Ugali in Nairobi than risking it. Passenger 34, kedu Saviour was talking about it the other day; he even marked the day on the calendar and remembers it vividly, probably even commemorates and celebrates escaping from the claws of death. Save us, Mama! Kkkkk, seka hako Mapombi. Ivo vaya vanaRugeje are not to be played with, trust me. I hear in that one district, they have taken a clear stance in supporting Generari zviri pachena, and you think they do not have a strategy? What amuses me hangu is how Zanu factionalism unfolds, pane anodonha chete, that is why I came with a strong message for Shumba Masomere because it is the grass that suffers when beasts fight. Chati homu chareva. Maita mbiri isina kunaka baba. Masvingo is the citadel of Zimbabwean politics, ndokubhodho kuno kwadzinobikwa but if you are not careful munobika mbodza varume. VaMavhenyengwa munondihwa here? In Shona there is an idiom that goes ‘gunyengu mukombe uneburi, uku unochera uku unoteura’, that is the general feeling regarding the provincial chair. He seems to have forgotten who ran with him gore riya when he wanted to be chair. I hope it ends well for him though because his province is the one which started the 2030 madness yaakudai kuzvimbira vanaMasomere.
Ko kuextraordinary meeting kwanziiko, zvayatopera tisina kumbohwa the usual noise? I was hoping that as a chairperson myself I should have been called to give my own perspectives on state of affairs, and I would have found a way to punish HH for boycotting—for the second time, such an important gathering.
Ladies and gentlemen, on another note, please pray for my brother Hwenje I hear he is battling cancer. In fact, Hwenje and Madzore should one day get in the studio together votipa one chicollabo chibanger because those guys vanodzora ndangariro. Also Hwenje is different from Masomere because haazorase rase muswe, plus he is actually talented. I’m not saying Shumba is not talented, ndimi madaro, not me.
Anyyway, let me go ndinokanga maputi angu for lunch, these days rotten bananas are scarce because a number of vendors were affected by the recent flash floods. Even zvimutowenyemba zvangu which I had hidden mutsanga near Chimusana were swept away. With the ZESA-sponsored darkness, mosquito ma1. Guys, if you see either Mphoko or Runaida, tell them zvakuda kutanga, at least Mphoko is a bit covered since this is his Mkwenyana. Iye Mai Khedha Mini represented well kuMexico kuMiss Universe, haa munogeza Mama, hatizonyari kukubudisaiwo pavaenzi, ukuwo Mai Two is busy collecting doctorates all over, I hope it’s legit and all is in order. Until next time, mboko imboko!